Dissecting my shitty friends

Let's see. . .how many friends do I actually go out with? Prolly less than 10, or 5.

There's J*** and S***** in a group. Once in a while, there's T****** and A**** but I don't contact them unless the girls do. The girls whom I consider my closest friends, seldom ask to meet up, especially J***. I always have to do that and I hate it. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with them? Why doesn't anyone wanna hang out with me? They're not even 'girlfriends' type. I mean I could talk to them about everything but they can be pretty boring, serious? I don't know. Sigh.

There's W******, and the rest of the group including S**, J******, A* ***, and K** ****. I only see W****** often and she's almost always free to hang out. So far, I feel like we put in almost similar efforts into keeping in touch. I enjoy bitching with her but still, not a 'girlfriend' type. I don't hang out with the rest unless there's W******.

Then there's R**, A**, and K**. I tried to hang out with R** but she's not interested in being a close friend. The group meets up once every few months or longer. Hmm R** and K** were very helpful during my breakup with V****. I guess I'm comfortable telling them stuff but unfortunately, we don't meet up often.

Now there's G*****. Totally a 'girlfriend' type but she already has her close group of friends. Sometimes I feel that she treats me as an option. Why is it so hard to find 'girlfriends'?

I'm so dead. I'm single and I practically have no friends whom I can hang out with.

I need new friends but it's so tough and I don't know how/ where to find them.

I will most definitely die lonely and perhaps commit suicide when I'm in my late 30s.

Life's tough. The dark internal struggle I have to grapple with quite often is really frustrating.

What's wrong with me? I'm a loner not really. Why don't I have any good friends? :(